One Year Post-Positive

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Saturday marks the one year anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test.


It's kind of hard to believe it's already been a year since my hysterical pregnancy.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term, basically I wanted to have a baby so badly that my brain convinced my body I was pregnant.  

When it happened, I felt like my world was ending.  I couldn't be around pregnant people, I couldn't look at babies...it even hurt being around my own nieces and nephews.  It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.  It took a long time for me to feel okay, but slowly, I did.  I'm in a much better place now.  It still hurts, but not like it did.  Like most things that cause grief, some days are better and some days are worse.

So here I am, a year later, and not much has changed. I figured I'd at least be pregnant by now, but I'm not.  I can't even physically become pregnant, because I don't ovulate.  I know a lot more about how my body works now.  I'm currently on Vitex, an herbal supplement (after consulting a doc, of course!), to help balance my hormones.  Provera made my cycles worse, so for the time being, I'm trying to avoid taking any synthetic hormones if I don't have to.  It can take a few months to start working, so it could be a couple more months before I see any difference.

If I would have really been pregnant, I would have been due May 27.  Oddly enough, if I were pregnant right now (I'm not), the baby would be due on May 27 too.  Weird, huh?

PSA: FOR THE LOVE OF GUMBY, PLEEEEEEASE ONLY TEST WITH PINK DYE TESTS!!!! (And yes, I needed to shout that).  Blue dye tests are notorious for false positives, which is probably how I ended up with three of them a year ago.  I wish I would have known that then.

Monday will mark 19 months since we started trying for a baby.  I never expected to get to this point.  Most people don't.  I know multiple people who have have had two babies (all separate pregnancies, no twins) since we started trying.  In all honesty, it always stings a bit hearing someone else is pregnant, no matter how happy I may be for them, and I always end up spending way more time than I should feeling sorry for myself.

Gosh, I really hate feeling sorry for myself.

But I keep marching on.  I know that I'm meant to be a mother, and I refuse to give up.  So to anyone else struggling with infertility, be strong, hold your head high, and remain hopeful.  We'll get through this. 

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. -Psalm 126:5 (NLT)

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6 comments

  1. Chin Up... At least you have discovered more about your body. I believe that everything happens for a reason and you are just getting started on your path. I am always sending good vibes your way!

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  2. I'm not sure how much you know of our story, but we are 22 months into trying for a second child.
    I have very mixed feelings, and anyone who has not struggled with infertility would not understand.
    Being the God-fearing woman that I am, I feel the desire to "be fruitful and multiply". I feel less feminine each month that I fail to be with child, as God intended. I honestly feel like a huge failure because it is the most basic thing God asked us to do, and at even that I am a failure. On the other hand, I am eternally grateful for the son we have (it took us 18 months and a TON of prayer and fasting to get pregnant with him). I feel like continuing to ask God for another child is insinuating that the one He blessed us with is not enough, when in fact he is so much more than we deserve!

    We have not sought medical assistance with our infertility as I have mixed feelings on that:
    1. God can move mountains! He has brought men, women, and children back to life. If anyone could give us another child He certainly could!
    2. Why would God have given doctors the knowledge and passion to help those of us struggling to bear children, if he didn't want us to utilize the information?

    Until God gives us the answers to all of our questions, we will continue to walk by faith and pray that you and Tom will do the same. Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

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    Replies
    1. I definitely understand feeling like a failure and less of a woman. It's definitely a daily struggle.

      I can also understand why you're conflicted on seeing a doctor. Personally, when we have insurance, I'll be seeking help, but I can see why you're not sure. Sarah certainly didn't have medical intervention.

      Thanks for the scripture :) It's one of my favorites, and sometimes I need to hear it.

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  3. Alex. I admire your strength every day. I know you live every day with the pain of your loss, and it really was a loss. Just know that you are always surrounded by people who love you, including the west side version of you haha. You will be an incredible mother.

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Hi!

I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I read and respond to each and every one. Thank you so much!

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