Saturday marks the one year anniversary of my first positive pregnancy test.
It's kind of hard to believe it's already been a year since my hysterical pregnancy. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, basically I wanted to have a baby so badly that my brain convinced my body I was pregnant.
When it happened, I felt like my world was ending. I couldn't be around pregnant people, I couldn't look at babies...it even hurt being around my own nieces and nephews. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. It took a long time for me to feel okay, but slowly, I did. I'm in a much better place now. It still hurts, but not like it did. Like most things that cause grief, some days are better and some days are worse.
So here I am, a year later, and not much has changed. I figured I'd at least be pregnant by now, but I'm not. I can't even physically become pregnant, because I don't ovulate. I know a lot more about how my body works now. I'm currently on Vitex, an herbal supplement (after consulting a doc, of course!), to help balance my hormones. Provera made my cycles worse, so for the time being, I'm trying to avoid taking any synthetic hormones if I don't have to. It can take a few months to start working, so it could be a couple more months before I see any difference.
If I would have really been pregnant, I would have been due May 27. Oddly enough, if I were pregnant right now (I'm not), the baby would be due on May 27 too. Weird, huh?
PSA: FOR THE LOVE OF GUMBY, PLEEEEEEASE ONLY TEST WITH PINK DYE TESTS!!!! (And yes, I needed to shout that). Blue dye tests are notorious for false positives, which is probably how I ended up with three of them a year ago. I wish I would have known that then.
Monday will mark 19 months since we started trying for a baby. I never expected to get to this point. Most people don't. I know multiple people who have have had two babies (all separate pregnancies, no twins) since we started trying. In all honesty, it always stings a bit hearing someone else is pregnant, no matter how happy I may be for them, and I always end up spending way more time than I should feeling sorry for myself.
Gosh, I really hate feeling sorry for myself.
But I keep marching on. I know that I'm meant to be a mother, and I refuse to give up. So to anyone else struggling with infertility, be strong, hold your head high, and remain hopeful. We'll get through this.
Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. -Psalm 126:5 (NLT)
, by Alex Green