Father's Day is the Worst (Kind Of)Monday, June 16, 2014
When you're struggling with infertility, a lot of days can be hard: the anniversary of beginning TTC, Mother's Day, any holiday where you'll likely be around a lot of little kids (I'm looking at you, Christmas), and for those who have had to deal with losses, your due date, loss date, and the day you found out you were pregnant can be excruciating.
But for me, I think Father's Day might be the worst.
I want a baby more than anything, but I almost want it for Tom a little more. He would be SUCH an amazing father, and I feel terrible every time Father's Day comes and we don't even have as much as two pink lines. I was so upset last night that I ended up sobbing in bed, wracked with guilt, while he held me and insisted that I stop beating myself up over it. However, that's much easier said than done.
Little kids absolutely ADORE him. Little J and Baby Z will wait by the window for him to come pick me up from work, then yell, "Tom's here! Tom's here!" until he walks inside, at which point they fling themselves at him and excitedly tell him about their day (I'm not exaggerating -- they love him so much that losing Tom Time is WAY more effective than a time out). When we go to my best friend's for game night, he often gets distracted from the games because her two-year-old wants him to play cars with him; when we go to her mom's for Sunday lunch, her nephew, who was our ring bearer, insists that Tom always sit by him and wants him to play with him the whole time we're there. He loves kids, and they love him right back.
Every time I see him with someone else's child, it both warms and breaks my heart, because I love seeing him with these kids who are important to us, but I want so badly for him to be able to push our child on the swings, to chase our child through the yard, to have our child clinging to his leg. And it's hard to deal with the fact that he can't.
It was hard scrolling through the Father's Day wishes for new dads, expectant dads, and TTC dads hopeful that this is their last year without a little one. As much as he tells me not to worry about it, it's really hard for me (Queen of the Worrywarts) to let it go.
On a related note, we've finally gotten our insurance mess sorted out (it was an extremely irritating process that took much longer than it should have), and when I go to the doctor, I'm going to see if he'll put me on Clomid. I've been really hesitant, because synthetic hormones were seemingly what started this whole mess, but I'm at the point where I will do anything.