Facing My (Likely Irrational) FearsWednesday, July 30, 2014
I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but Tom and I finally have health insurance. And let me tell you, it was a headache and a half. Neither of us are offered insurance through work, so we signed up through the health insurance marketplace. We did this on March 12, which would qualify us to be covered starting in April. I knew it would probably take a few weeks to get anything in the mail, so when April came without having heard from the insurance company, I just let it go. When May came and I STILL hadn't heard anything, I had a problem.
I ended up spending hours on the phone going back and forth between Marketplace representatives and Anthem. Apparently, our information had gotten lost in the shuffle and had never made it to Anthem for some reason. The next week, we finally got our initial information packet, saying we'd be getting our cards soon. After waiting weeks for cards that never came, I called Anthem and though the representative didn't seem to care that we hadn't received our cards, she did finally give me my member ID, so I was able to get online and access everything.
This was in June, and I JUST made an OB/GYN appointment last week. I've obviously been needing to go (hello, reproductive issues!), but we hadn't been able to afford it without insurance. If I would have gotten pregnant, our plan was to pay for everything out-of-pocket, because you can usually get a discount that way. Insurance was simply too expensive to pay for ourselves, particularly when Tom wasn't working (although given our current deductible, if I fell pregnant now, I'd still end up paying for most -- if not all -- of it out-of-pocket).
Why the wait?
Honestly, I'm afraid of what the doctor will say.
I KNOW I need to go. I KNOW it could help me have a baby. I KNOW it could help me finally put a label on what's been going haywire in my reproductive system.
And that's the part that scares me.
I'm afraid that I'm going to go in there, and I'm going to be told that I can't have children, or that I won't be able to have children without IVF, or that having a baby is going to be immensely harder than it already has been, and I just don't know if I can handle it.
Not the most mature reason for avoiding the doctor, sure, but it's a major concern that I've been having. I'm already kind of emotionally fragile where my empty uterus is concerned, and I'm just afraid that hearing something like that will push me back into the very dark place I was in the summer after my hysterical pregnancy, where I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to have sex, didn't even really want to get out of bed. It was like my last semester at IU all over again. I'm not sure I'll be able to deal with bad news.
Of course, I could be jumping the gun. For all I know, I could be able to get pregnant without issue once my cycles are straightened out (I thought they were straightened out for a few months, but now I'm having two a month, so clearly that was wrong), but it seems like Murphy's Law always tends to apply itself to my lady bits (anything that CAN go wrong WILL go wrong).
My appointment's not for three more weeks (he's only in office here Monday and Tuesday, as well as Wednesday mornings). They didn't offer any Tuesday or Wednesday appointments before 2pm until that week (Mondays are out because I work, and since we share a car, I'd need an earlier appointment in order to be able to pick Tom up from work at 4), so the 19th it is.
I'm really nervous, but I know that I need to go. Maybe (hopefully), I can get some answers, and they won't all be terrifying and heartbreaking.