Pre-Pregnancy ThoughtsMonday, August 25, 2014
For a long time, I was so discouraged about my baby making prospects that I stopped kind of thinking about it, and stopped putting effort into improving myself for pregnancy. With pregnancy actually being something that finally seems attainable again (I'm almost halfway through my Provera, and then I'll be moving on to my first round of Clomid, which I'm oddly excited about), I really need to start taking better care of myself again.
Last year, I was eating pretty well and working out 3-5 days per week, and I ended up putting on 35 pounds, which is what first made me wonder if I might have PCOS. Given my tendency to eat my feelings (and boy, do I have a lot of feelings) and my general lack of willpower, it would be laughable for me to try to blame all of my weight issues on the PCOS, because I am clearly not blameless. However, it does help give me some insight into why I have ALWAYS had weight issues, and why losing weight (even with good nutrition and exercise) is difficult for me. Losing weight would help the Clomid's effectiveness, and of course, it would be good for my general health as well.
I really don't eat very well anymore. I don't eat nearly as many vegetables as I should, and I don't eat as often as I should either. Until a few years ago, I was a very strict breakfast eater. You couldn't pay me to skip my favorite meal of the day. However, most days, I don't eat breakfast at all anymore. Heck, I rarely even eat until past noon. I know it's not good for me (and it usually doesn't feel good, either), but I'm usually just too exhausted to get up any earlier than absolutely necessary, so I often give myself about fifteen minutes to get ready. It's a terrible habit. Even on days when I don't work, I rarely eat breakfast. In fact, I usually only eat breakfast on Saturdays. This is definitely something I need to change if I want to have a healthy pregnancy.
I also clearly need better sleep. I've been taking melatonin, which has really helped me considerably when it comes to getting sleep, but I'm still not getting enough sleep. I wonder if I need to take it earlier than the twenty minutes before bed that it recommends, or if I need to up the dosage, or if it's just not really going to be helpful anymore. Obviously, pregnancy will likely bring more sleep with it, but I want to make sure that I'm getting enough quality sleep to keep both me and the baby healthy.
In a non-health-related thought, I'm also kind of worried that I might have twins. My chances of twins on Clomid are doubled, but what really makes me wonder is that five or so years ago, my mom had a dream about me having twins, and a couple of years later, so did one of her friends. It seems a little too coincidental to me. That, coupled with the increased chance, has me a little paranoid. If we do have twins, we'd be thrilled and love them, obviously, but we'd definitely be overwhelmed.
I have started prenatal vitamins again, which is a step in the right direction. I was off them for a considerable amount of time because I was just kind of depressed over the situation (this has happened several times over the course of my infertility journey -- I get so upset over my infertility that I just kind of stop caring about myself. Not healthy by any means, but I'm not always very good at controlling my emotions, and they often overtake me).
Something else I've been thinking about is how long it took me to get to the doctor, and I'm sure that thought has probably crossed some of your minds as well. If I had just gone to the doctor sooner, maybe I'd have a baby by now. And that might be true. However, we've only had insurance for a few months (paying out-of-pocket did NOT sound appealing), and even though it's not great insurance, preventative care is obviously covered, and my visit was considered preventative care, so I only ended up paying $27 for my prescriptions at the Target pharmacy vs hundreds (over $100, anyway) for just going for my annual. I'm sure I'll be forking over a lot of money in the next few months (thanks to a crazy high deductible and my progesterone check not exactly being preventative), but it was so nice to be able to go in, go out, and not feel like I was signing my life away.
There are still a lot of improvements to be made, but I'm on my way.