Honesty is the Best PolicyMonday, October 20, 2014
And I'm finally being honest with myself.
The thing is, I have been in denial about my weight for a long time. I had lost some weight at the beginning of last year, but then quickly gained all of it (and then some) back. Putting on 30 pounds last year was actually what first made me suspect that I had PCOS (granted, I had several pieces of the puzzle before, but I just hadn't put them together in the right way).
I have mentioned wanting to lose weight before, but obviously, nothing ever really stuck. I think part of this is that I've generally been pretty careful about concealing just how bad things are, so I need to lay it all out: at my highest, I weighed 327.5 pounds.
It was mortifying.
Not that anyone knew the number, of course. And thankfully, the way my fat settles is fairly proportionate, so I usually don't look like I weigh quite as much as I actually do. But still, knowing that it had gotten that bad broke my heart. I remember when I was about 12 or 13 (overweight, of course, but not as badly as I was as I got older), and looking at the scale and thinking I will kill myself if I hit 200 pounds.
I often wonder what that girl would think about the woman I've become.
Thankfully, I have lost some weight since then; as of Sunday night, I was 316.8. Still far from where I need to be, obviously, but it is encouraging to see the number go down. Obviously, this isn't all about the number on the scale, but considering that I am morbidly obese (the fact that it's true doesn't make it any easier to admit), the number is pretty important for me.
I have needed and wanted to lose weight for quite some time, but for some reason, even my main motivation (having a baby) just hasn't seemed to be enough for me to stick with it.
So what changed?
Honestly, I think that it was learning that I didn't ovulate at all, even with the help of fertility drugs. I knew that losing weight could help with my reproductive system, but it was heartbreaking to learn that my ovaries were doing that badly, and it kind of woke me up. If I want a baby, I need to lose weight, plain and simple.
However, things will need to change if I am going to actually be successful in losing weight this time. Unfortunately, I think I unintentionally self-sabotage by trying to do too much, too soon. I try to go cold turkey on "bad" foods, and throw myself into exercises that are above my fitness level. But I'm not doing that this time.
My nutrition goals are to cut back on processed carbs cut down on gluten (my OB/GYN said that it might help lessen my PCOS symptoms), and I want to incorporate a lot more produce into my diet (which will hopefully be eventually mostly plant-based). I'm not going full-blown low carb, because even though too many carbs can be problematic, not getting enough carbs can screw up my blood sugar; I'll be aiming for 100-150g per day. However, I will be easing into things a bit. Normally, when I start trying to lose weight, I throw out all the bad stuff (like I mentioned, I tend to be a going cold turkey kind of girl); that's really wasteful though, and I think that it will be better for me to eat some of the "bad" stuff and some of the "good" stuff at the same time. So that half-eaten box of Reese's Puffs in the cabinet? I'm going to finish it.
I'm also going to be tracking my food, ALL of my food, on My Fitness Pal. If you're on MFP, please, by all means add me; I'm going to need all the support and accountability that I can get -- you can find me as OperationBabyGreen (similar to Operation Skinny Jeans, where I used to blog, I know, but a baby is my end goal, and it seemed appropriate. Besides, when my bestie Katie and I were in high school, we started referring to our weight loss efforts as Operation: Anti-Walrus, so it's kind of a tradition at this point to have weight loss "operations").
I have also made a goal to work out at least 3 1/2 hours per week. That breaks down into seven 30-minute sessions. I figure that's doable. My biggest issue with workouts (and even with some aspects of nutrition) is that I am SO lazy; I could spend all day on the couch and not bat an eyelash. Obviously, that needs to change. I figure that by incorporating a 30-minute walk (or yoga or zumba videos if it's cold out) every day, I can get in at least some activity, and that's a great place to start.
I also had a good talk with Tom about how it's hard for me to stick with eating well when he's not eating the same things I am. Like, when I see him eating pizza, it makes me want to eat pizza, and then I tell myself I can have some pizza, and then things just start spiraling out of control. He was really cool about it, and he's willing to eat better with me as long as it tastes good (unfortunately, we often have very different views as to what constitutes "good"); we're going to work together to try to make this work, and I think that's going to make such a difference for me.
I'm putting this all on the internet, even though admitting how much I weigh is almost physically painful, because I need to hold myself more accountable. Once I press publish, that's it. Even if I chose to go back and edit it out or delete this post (which I won't do), my weight is out there on the internet, and people will see it. I'm hopeful that this will help motivate me to lower that number.
I need to be firm with myself, but I also need to be forgiving, and I need to remember that one stumble doesn't have to unravel all of my progress.
I want a baby, and I think I am finally truly ready to commit to losing weight to make that dream come true.