Questions I Can't Answer And Other Things I Don't UnderstandWednesday, October 29, 2014
As I sit here with tears welling in my eyes just from listening to the emotion in a Taylor Swift song (not exactly an uncommon occurrence...), I am left wondering one thing: why me? (Well, and why does Gary Lightbody's voice tear my heart apart, so I guess it's actually two things).
Because I can tell that this isn't just my normal emotional self. This is my fake ovulation self. See, even though I don't ovulate on my own, occasionally my body will do things to make me think that it's ovulating, usually a combination of any of the following: fertile-looking cervical mucous, ovary twinges, light spotting and getting MEGA weepy.
Of course, it's entirely possible that I am actually ovulating, though experience lends itself to the contrary.
But please don't mistake this for the pity party I throw for my ovaries on the regular. Because I absolutely do. It's bad, I know, but my empty uterus often leads to feeling sorry for myself. This time, however, it's not a "woe is me" why me, but instead, I'm thinking of it from a more objective standpoint.
Why did I, Alexandra Green, end up like this?
PCOS affects 6-10% of women, so why did I end up being one of those 6-10%, instead of the other 90-94%?
Why is it that in my extremely fertile family, I am the one who has trouble conceiving?
Why does my body insist on pretending to work without actually doing the work?
These are things I wonder about, but I know I'll likely never have an answer for any of them. Strangely enough, I'm kind of okay with that.
Maybe God thought I was strong enough to handle it (which some days, I really start to doubt, but obviously I am handling it, in one way or another). Maybe I have PCOS to serve as an example or something. Maybe someday, someone in a similar boat is going to need someone to talk to, and that's why.
That thought is also why I'm not apologizing for the fact that my blog has kind of turned into one giant ovarian pity party (because I had certainly thought about it -- I have quite the guilt complex). I know I tend to whine a lot about my infertility and how sucky I think my situation is, and I'm sure there are people who don't want to read about it. But these are my real feelings, and I know that somewhere out there, there are other women who feel the same way I do. If one day, one of those women happens to stumble across this blog, read my posts, and feel a wave of relief wash over her as she realizes that someone else feels the same way that she does, I'll be very glad that I did write all these whiny posts. PCOS can feel very isolating. I've joined several PCOS-related Facebook groups, and just having a place to talk, vent, and ask questions with other women who know what I am going through has been a sanity saver.
There have been times in the past where I have blogged with very specific intentions in mind, because for some insane reason, I had it in my head that I could become blog famous, but that's not how it is anymore. I'm not trying to carefully craft an image of who I think you want me to be. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. To quote Demi Lovato in Camp Rock (yes, I still watch DCOMs, and I have seen almost every one ever made), "this is real, this is me", and what I am going through with my PCOS and infertility is a big part of that. I can't pretend it's not there, and I don't want to. I might dwell on it a little too much, but I'm still learning more about what PCOS is and how it affects me. I process things by discussing them, and since a lot of people in my life give zero craps about listening to me talk about it, the blog has really become my way to get my feelings out. They're not always pleasant feelings, but they're MY feelings, and they're valid.
I really appreciate those of you who actually still read this blog. I know my posting is inconsistent (which turns a lot of people away) and sometimes it takes me awhile to reply to comments, not to mention all the previously mentioned issues people might have with the content. It means a lot that you care enough to sift through all the word vomit and deal with how emo I tend to get. It's nice to know that people care :)
I'm not quite sure how I got from point A to point B just then (hurrah for stream-of-consciousness!), but being all over the place is just part of my charm, I suppose :)