The Next Step

Monday, July 06, 2015

In April, when I announced that we were stopping fertility treatments, I mentioned that we were planning on becoming licensed for foster care. We started that process last month, and our last class will be next Thursday; after that, we will need CPR and first aid certification (which I have had, but I'm pretty sure my certification is expired), references, and our home study before we'll be licensed.

There are a lot of feelings that come with this. We're excited at the chance to finally be parents after all this time, but we're also nervous.

What if they find some reason to not approve us? Between the two of us, we have quite a bit of baggage.

What if our foster child hates us? I know first hand how hard it can be to go from living with your primary caregiver to living with someone else, and in my case, it wasn't a stranger.

What if we can't handle it? Though to be fair, I've often felt that way about having a biological child too. But this time, while we might get a child that will be ours forever, we might have to say goodbye to a few first, and I worry about being able to handle that; I get very attached, and have trouble letting go.

What if our friends and family can't accept our foster child? We're pretty much the only people we know who haven't ever been able to get pregnant, so there isn't really a precedent for this in either of our families or friend circles. While I'd like to think that everyone would be welcoming, I know that sometimes things don't always go the way we think they will.

I'm also a little sad, just because even though the we'll get the end game of a little one (which is what really matters), there are some ritualistic things that go along with having a baby that we won't get to experience. We don't really get to do a big announcement. Nobody throws you a baby shower when you're becoming a foster parent. More than likely, we won't get to name our child. And I know it seems petty to be sad about these things, but when you've spent so long dreaming about them, it's hard not to grieve their loss a little bit.

That said, we aren't exactly not trying to get pregnant. It's just incredibly unlikely to happen since my body doesn't function properly. I still haven't completely given up on my dream of being able to be pregnant and give birth, but it seems to slip through my fingers more and more each day.

At this point I'm pretty much rambling (and crying, of course, because I feel like I can't do anything without crying anymore); I just wanted to fill you in on where we are in our journey to become parents.

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