I QuitMonday, May 16, 2016
Hi, my name is Alex, and I'm a quitter. (Hi, Alex!)
No, I'm not quitting blogging. I'm not actively quitting anything, actually. But I have quit a lot of things.
One of my least favorite things about myself is how quickly I give up on things. Now if you ask me most of the time, I'll say that I have perseverance. That if I say I'm going to do something, I'll do it. And a good amount of the time, I believe this.
But when I sit down and really look at my life, it's not true.
You only need to look at my track record to see that.
Failed business ventures? I've got 'em. My Etsy shop has basically been defunct for almost three years now. My photography business, though still technically a thing, has been stalled. I haven't been getting any business, and I haven't really had much time for it recently anyway. The sad thing about that is I LOVE photography. I know I still have a lot to learn, but I have seen improvement in my work from my first shoot to my last. Is it because I'm not good enough, or because I have no hustle? I really have a lot of trouble putting myself out there. I think a lot of it is just thinking that I'm not good enough -- who would pick me when there are so many better options? I think part of me just wants to avoid (what seems like) the inevitable rejection, so I just don't try. Not exactly the best trait for an entrepreneur.
And my struggle to lose weight? That's pretty obvious. Yes, my PCOS makes it more difficult to lose weight, but that's definitely not my only struggle.
I WANT to lose weight. I want to be healthy, for myself and for my kids. I want to be able to feel good about my body. I want to be able to actually believe my husband when he says he's attracted to me. I want to be able to have more endurance at Disney World. I want to wear cute clothes.
And every once in awhile, I get really gung-ho about it and I do a decent job for a few days, a week if I'm lucky. But then it stops. Sometimes it's because I'm exhausted. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I'm just plain lazy (I hate admitting it, but I am a pretty lazy person). Sometimes it's a combination of all three. But without fail, I just quit.
I even quit at easy things. A couple of weeks ago, overwhelmed by life and realizing that I've been neglecting myself for the millionth time, I told Tom I was going to try to do something nice for myself every day for 30 days. He told me he thought it was a great idea, and he hoped I followed through.
I made it two days. And then I forgot about it. I didn't actually remember until I was thinking about writing this post.
I can be so good about going the distance for others, but when it comes to doing things for myself, I just can't seem to get it together.
Is it laziness? Self-sabotage? Both?
I don't know.
But I do know that I hate being this way.
I want to be able to become a better me. I want to treat myself well. I want to make self-care in all areas of my life a priority. I'm just not sure how.
I really want to get back to trying to lose weight. I'm at the second highest weight I've been, and I don't like it. Though I've generally been fairly healthy otherwise, my body is definitely starting to feel the effects of carrying all this extra weight. My knees have been bothering me a lot more lately, and I've been finding myself winded much quicker than usual.
I want to be a healthier, better me.
But since losing weight has never really gone well for me before, I'm terrified to try, because I'm convinced I'll just fail again. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.
I don't want to be this person anymore, but I don't know how to make that happen.